mood: caffiene headhache

So for the past...hour or so maybe I've been reading my past livejournal entries.  They're....interesting I suppose lol.  I don't post that often so there's a gap in between each one and a lot of information is missing.  I complain a hell of a lot about money....it's basically all I do.  And out of all the entries on this page maybe three are happy, and then the rest are me complaining.  It's just that the only interesting things to ever happen in my life are generally bad.  I've also noticed that I make a lot of spelling and grammer mistakes that I don't understand.  I don't think they're actually me because I generally read through my posts before I put them up and a lot of the mistakes are ones that I don't understand how I made.  Like a lot of the time instead of saying "thing" I say "think" but I don't understand how that happened seeing as the g and k keys are no where near each other.  I also miss a lot of "of"s and things like that but that one's understandable seeing as I sometimes think faster than I type and leave out entire sentences.  lol just reading through the little bit I've typed so far I've left out about three words (and inserted them before posting) but I clearly remember typing them...

Anyway, maybe I should put some current news in here.

I'm on spring break!! Wooo!  And I did a hell of a lot of nothing while on break.  I went to both the high school and middle school's band festival.  High school got a II (I'm so mad they sounded really good [not that I've ever been out of the band to listen to them before] and I thought they would get a I), and the middle school eighth grade band got a I (yaaay go Colin!). 

I've visited friends.  The first Saturday I was off I went over Kelly's and spent the night with her, Sarah, Kittie and Jennie.  Mike also came but he didn't stay.  Other's were invited, but for they're own specific reason (and leading to much drama) about half of those who were invited didn't show up.  Today (Friday) I went to the high school to read the comments from Festival and see Yhasmine and Megan and all those who are unfortunate enough to still be in high school lmao.  Hopefully tomorrow I'll be able to get together with Yhasmine and hang out all day. 

Hmm let's see...School is basically fun I suppose...If you consider going to class and work fun.  Seriously...I need to get out and do something.  But for that to happen I'd need to make friends and the chances of that happening relatively soon isn't good (well that and the reasons mentioned in my previous entry).  I don't make friends quickly.  Takes years.  Usually years of sitting right next to someone in band XD.  I mean come on....Amanda, 13 years, Sarah, Kittie, Kelly, Jennie and all them, 7 years.  Yhasmine and Megan, 3 years and I sat next to Yhasmine in band and Megan's just awesome enough to be my friend without that (and they are/where ALL in  band).  I can't make friends in a couple weeks!  Even the people I work with I don't really talk to...and they all think I'm depressed anyway. -_-  Everyone thinks I'm depressed, it's kind of annoying.  Random people in the cafeteria will ask me why I look so sad and ask me what's wrong and blah blah blah blah I'M SICK OF IT! DAMN IT, I did this once before I really don't feel like starting again!!  I don't intentionally look sad and I'm NOT sad so i don't really know what to tell them all.  My supervisor heard me sniff once and thought I was crying!! Hellooo!! I've cried maybe four times in the last six years, I'm NOT going to cry at work.  AND I'M NOT SAD ANYWAY WHY WOULD I CRY??

On a somewhat related note, I have NEVER in my entire life looked at someone and thought "oh hey they look sad...I wonder what's wrong...maybe I should ask".  I have never even noticed whether or not someone looked sad.  If there was something wrong with my friends, they generally tell me so I don't have to ask if they're ok and as for random people....I don't pay attention to them.  I just put on my headphones, turn up my music, and zone out (they probably think I'm zoning out thinking about something bad when in fact I'm thinking about butter).  Apparently people pay a hell of a lot more attention to me than I pay to them.  I don't generally look at people and think "oh they look _____", I don't pay attention to people!!  GRR.  Stop watching me. -__- I mean I don't mind random people talking to me, kind of makes me feel special but...idk.

Wooo accidentaly posted it before I was finished XD.  Well actually I can't think of much more to talk about at the moment so I think I'm just going to go to sleep.  Byeeee.

I hate my dad more and more every time I talk to him.   Seriously.  Ok, so yeah, he started paying child support again, but I bet that's only because there's a hearing at the end of the month because he hasn't been, and as soon as they say ok he's paying he doesn't have to go to jail or anything, he's going to stop paying most likely.  But one day, actually last Friday, I was going to apply to MSU and well there's a $35 entrance fee and we didn't have the money because at the time he wasn't paying.  So I sent him an e-mail about how sick I am of him not paying and how I hate not being able to afford stuff like...well entrance fees.  He replyed today with an e-mail going on about how most of the kids in the world don't even have food and I should be grateful I have what I do.  Hang on a sec...Let's see.  Depending on the time of year, I can average anywhere between let's say 1 and 1.7 meals a day.  In the summer, almost every day I have one meal and that's ramen.  Since eighth grade I've been losing weight without trying because I don't have enough food to eat. -_-...Is that his definition of "having enough food?"  The only reason I get two meals a day during the school year is an amazing thing called free lunch.  Honestly.

And what the fuck? Does he care about those kids, more than us?  If not why the fuck is he bringing them up?  I mean, we're his kids.  He's supposed to provide us with the best possible life that he can but instead he makes excuses and says we should be happy with what we have.  Believe me, I appreciate every cent, but that doesn't stop me from wanting more.  Damn me for wanting to go to college.  Damn me.  I'm a horrible, HORRIBLE person.  I should want to be miserable and poor my whole life because some people don't have the opportunities that I do.  I know it.  I'm going straight to hell.

I'm sick of him.  I can barely take it anymore.  I just want to send him and e-mail saying fuuuuuuuuuuuck yoooooooou.  But then he'd go on about how I don't know what I'm talking about, so that's pointless too.

-_-

I'm at the point where, if he pays child support, I'll still hate him but it will make my life easier.  If he doesn't...well I hate him...more.  Ha ha.  Either way the minute I turn 18 I'm never even going to talk to him again.

mood: pissed off

This is a message I sent my friend Amanda, so if some parts seem like...well...I dunno..whatever...you get the point.

-_-  Seriously.  I think it wants to kill me before I can graduate or something. 

Anyway, here's the story.

Yesterday (Friday) was our first football game.  We didn't have to be at the school until 5 but I didn't have anyway to get back so I just stayed after school until the game.  Which we then sucked miserably.  The guard has no routines, because one girl is moving, one girl hurt her foot, and one girl who wasn't even at band camp shows up and Mr. Taylor won't let us kick her off. And the band sounded so horrible I wanted to cry.  So, the whole football game I was extremely pissed off at the guard, at the band, at everyone, seeing as I had had one of the worst days possible.  So, I call Nathan to come pick me up after the game, and I tell him I want to go on, and what does he say?

"Too Bad."

Too bad?  I just spent FOURTEEN hours at the school, and what did he do that day?  I just wanted to go on for like an hour before I crashed and had to go to sleep.  I haven't even been getting on enough to do commisions.  I am so far behind it's not even funny.  And what was it he said when you were here?  That he always lets me on when I ask?  Ha ha.  Yeah that was obviously true.

But here's where it gets good, and makes me feel like shit.

Mom calls this morning.  This is kind of how the conversation went.

Mom: Hello
Me: Hi
Mom: So how was the game?
Me: Pretty crappy. We sucked really bad...and I spent the whole day at school and came home and Nathan wouldn't let me on line.
Mom: Oh...well bummer.

(at this point I got pissed at her because she obviously didn't care that he constantly does this to me.)

Mom: So do you want to hear about my day.
Me: Not really (Which I always listen to her day, I was just pissed and tired)
Mom:....well...I'm in the hospital.

....Yep.  Make me feel like the biggest bitch in the world.  I'm all concerned about not getting online, and she's in the fucking hospital.  And not only that, it's my fault in a way.  On Wednsday, we gave Trick a bath and he bit her really bad.  Well, I guess she had to go in for like antibiotics or something....She says that she's been in since yesterday....I dunno.  I just feel like crap now. 

mood: blah

Wow...I'm tired and at the same time I'm not.  Tomorrow's the first official day of band camp and I can't decide whether I'm excited or dreading it.  There are so many new people and I'm not sure I feel like dealing with all of the color guard drama.  I don't understand why color guard has to be the most drama-ful section.  Is it because we're all girls?  So retarded. -_-  Anyway.  I'm almost certian Amanda will be moving down which is totally awesome.  I am so happy.  Well...sort of lol.  Hmm right now I'm not.  I'm just kind of blah.  I don't want school to start.  I'll have to start thinking about things like what the hell am I going to do after I graduate?  I'm certian I'm moving out pretty much as soon as I graduate, that I've always known.  The problem is what am I going to do after that and where am I going to go?  Recently I've been really thinking about going into art... but I'm still not sure if i can do that.  Being on Gaia and SA and DA, I've found one thing and that is that what artists prize above all else is creativity.  Something I don't have.  And even on top of that, I'm not even that good.  Everyone in school tells me I am and my family does but the more I look at it the more I see that I'm really not, there are so many people out there that are better then me...and they have the creativity, I can't compete with them.  I just keep thinking that it won't work....and...I'll be just as stuck as I am now.  So, if I can't do art what AM I going to do?  I dunno...there's nothing else I want to do.  There's nothing else I like.  Sure, I'm good at math and science and all that crap but I don't LIKE it.  I'm barely passing Calculus only because I hate it so I don't bother studying or even bringing a calculator to the tests.  And even more then that, again, there are people better then me at those things.  I say that a lot and people probably just think oh well there's always going to be someone better then you.  Well, just in my school...there's nothing I'm better at then other people.  And my school is a very small percentage of the population. -_- (that made me think of when you are a kid and your parents always tell you that you have one talent that you will be really good at then they go and say that there will always be someone better then you, kind of contradictory isn't it?)   Anyway...Uhhh I had some other points to make on here but Amanda just sort of distracted me...give me a sec...Oh...uhhh...nope lost it agian....Or music...ha ha I like music.  I love band.  I love playing music.  But there's the whole "I suck at it" think going on there too.  Why the hell do I have to suck at the things I like?  -_-  Isn't it a general rule that you're better at what you like because you try harder?  *sigh*  I guess not for me.  Soooo depressing....I need to start putting happier post in here....I just sort of sound like an...emo teenager or something.  Oh well.

mood: depressed

I am in such a shitty mood...and I can't even talk to anyone about it...Can't even post it here cuz....yeah...*sigh*  Why do none of my friends trust me?  Why do none of my friends actually seem to care about me? -_-  Stupid.  I hate this.  It's not much better then when...I didn't have any friends...maybe worse...

Why do I always sound like a whiny ass teen in here?

mood: depressed

Of all the things I hate in my life, I despise being poor the most of them all.  It ruins everything.  Everyday, I get yelled at for something that wouldn't be a problem if we had a bit more money.  Today, I asked once I got out of school, if they had eaten anything for dinner.  My mom starts yelling at me about how she's three months behind on the house payment, behind on the gas bill and all these other things so no there is not dinner.  A simple no would have sufficed...Then I go online and see other people talking about stuff and somewhere someone said "it's only $600."  Yeah ha.  Whatever.  Anyone who can say that is officially on one of my death lists.  I hate having to worry about money.  Whenever my mom starts getting mad over the bills I just want to say here, take my birthday money.  At least then she would shut up.  Most the time she does take money from me.  It's not right.  A kid my age should not be giving their birthday or Christmas money to pay for bills, or food, or for the furnace to be fixed.  And you know what pisses me off the most?  I have relatives, who are millionaires.  Reletives that we actually see once in awhile.  The thing is, they don't know how bad off we are because my family is too fucking proud to ask for money from anyone.  And even if they offered, we wouldn't, or couldn't accept.  Of course not.  
They say money can't buy happiness, well lack of can sure piss you off.

Another thing I hate is my brother.  I would normally say brothers but in this case, I'm focusing on the older asshole that screws over my whole life and can never leave anything of mine alone.  He always eats my food.  He takes my stuff without asking.  He sits on his ass all day and then expects me to come home and clean and cook food for the whole family.  I mean, I tell him specifically not to eat something, that I'm saving it for breakfast.  Happened yesterday.  I go to eat it, it's gone.  So today,  all I've eaten is a bag of potato chips (one of the little ones, not even the 99 cent ones) and there's not dinner.  Well there is but it's not that much.  I told him not to eat it and he said "OK" so I usually would take that as it'll be there in the morning, but nooo.  You think I would have learned by now.  I should just eat all my fucking food right when I get like him, then at least I WOULD get to eat it.  But no, I save it and try to make it last as long as I can because I know that we don't have much and if I save it then everything will last longer.  But that's never how it works.  It never works out nicely.

And another thing I want to rant about.  This isn't exactly something I hate.  More something I'm worried about.

I'm taking two college courses.  Psychology and Calculus.  I hate them.  I despise them.  I have no clue why the hell I'm taking them.  I don't want to use them.  I don't want to go into anything that I'd have to know about these things.  What I want....is to go into art.  Art, is the one thing I enjoy doing.  It's the only thing that has ever made me happy.  Until now, I've always considered it a hobby, but I would really like to go into something art related.  But...I don't know...what I would do.  I don't know what kind of jobs there are, I don't know what kind of colleges there are or where they are, and I don't know what I would have to do to get into these colleges and make a career out of art.  I don't even think I'm that good.  I really only draw anime style.  I can't draw realism worth shit even though I would like to...I kind sort of draw still life type things and I can kind of shade but....all of those problems...aren't that major.  I can research, I can study and practice....but the biggest thing is, I'm not creative.  I can't LEARN to be creative, I can't practice it...and most artists or art related jobs require you to be at least somewhat creative.  I'm not.  I'm a very rational sort of person.  I'm good at math and things that take skill instead of creativity.  Hah ha quite ironic that I can draw then, yes?  I always thought I would go to a college like U of M or MSU and do something that made a lot of money but I don't think I want to anymore.  My best friend Amanda says she wants to move out of state when she graduates, and I'm seriously considering going with her.  My only problem is, if I move out of state, go to some college after a year or so, will I still be able to make good money in the future?  I don't want to be poor my whole life.  I don't care if I'm rich anymore, but I sure as hell don't want to be poor...I don't know...I don't know...and I'm going to be a senior next year.  Just fucking what I needed.